Well, it is night nearly. My beloved is having fun with his colleagues and me... What me? Sitting at home as always, cleaned flat as much as it was needed to not make me annoyed by trash, dirty dishes and clothes hanging around. My life now is pretty boring.
Honestly it just is going to doctors, working mostly from home (because I fucked this going to office every day thingy), cleaning etc. I look like shit (59 kg, I think for the whole life it is my maximum, but I am afraid, it can be more if nothing in my life will not change), feel like shit and honestly feel myself not better. I am so much anxious regarding my look that hate going outside. Ofc I go, but only when it is necessary (psychologist, doctors, work sometimes, sometimes friends of my boyfriend).
I am observing how my beloved is living his full life and feel a bit envy and pretty much dead mentally compare to him. Ok, I am objectively not in the total asshole, since my brain seems to function, analysis do not show the prognosis of the rapid death etc (although I am not sure that my intestine is ok), I applied for promotion and maybe will go to Luxembourg for the business trip again (aha, lol. where I will panic about my health even more)... But something is missing. I can not enjoy anything rather than spending time with my beloved. And sex with him obviously. Food is also cool. Sometimes some of my plants when they are not dying. And that is pretty much it. Outside of it I feel like a fucking zombie.
I have these non-adequate thoughts about my beloved. That he promised to help with cleaning foe example, and did nothing, just because his life is so intensive for events. He is constantly chatting and talking to people. Today when I called he seemed cold. It pissed me off and at the same time I have pretty complex emotions regarding all of it. Related to my life and his. I feel like I have no life and he has. And he did not close me here in this flat, I am +- free to go. But then who will make it leavable if I will be missing etc?
Now I need to go for the fucking tooth paste. Why me? Like I am the only person in this house who needs it. I am curious what would he do tomorrow if I would not go...
I am afraid to smash nails on my toes that I painted forty minutes ago, but I guess I do not really have a choice since shop works until eleven. Going to cold again. And I bought ananas. Lol. He will not even return before 12. Same regarding supper that we were supposed to eat together.
Right, fuck the supper. I cooked it for nothing as it seems...
My psychologist gave me task to try to observe even the negative situation in the positive way. To find pluses. Well, I guess today plus is that I was able to clean flat since no one prevented me from it and able to finally paint my nails. Obvious pluses, but at the same time I do not feel that much happier.
Honestly it just is going to doctors, working mostly from home (because I fucked this going to office every day thingy), cleaning etc. I look like shit (59 kg, I think for the whole life it is my maximum, but I am afraid, it can be more if nothing in my life will not change), feel like shit and honestly feel myself not better. I am so much anxious regarding my look that hate going outside. Ofc I go, but only when it is necessary (psychologist, doctors, work sometimes, sometimes friends of my boyfriend).
I am observing how my beloved is living his full life and feel a bit envy and pretty much dead mentally compare to him. Ok, I am objectively not in the total asshole, since my brain seems to function, analysis do not show the prognosis of the rapid death etc (although I am not sure that my intestine is ok), I applied for promotion and maybe will go to Luxembourg for the business trip again (aha, lol. where I will panic about my health even more)... But something is missing. I can not enjoy anything rather than spending time with my beloved. And sex with him obviously. Food is also cool. Sometimes some of my plants when they are not dying. And that is pretty much it. Outside of it I feel like a fucking zombie.
I have these non-adequate thoughts about my beloved. That he promised to help with cleaning foe example, and did nothing, just because his life is so intensive for events. He is constantly chatting and talking to people. Today when I called he seemed cold. It pissed me off and at the same time I have pretty complex emotions regarding all of it. Related to my life and his. I feel like I have no life and he has. And he did not close me here in this flat, I am +- free to go. But then who will make it leavable if I will be missing etc?
Now I need to go for the fucking tooth paste. Why me? Like I am the only person in this house who needs it. I am curious what would he do tomorrow if I would not go...
I am afraid to smash nails on my toes that I painted forty minutes ago, but I guess I do not really have a choice since shop works until eleven. Going to cold again. And I bought ananas. Lol. He will not even return before 12. Same regarding supper that we were supposed to eat together.
Right, fuck the supper. I cooked it for nothing as it seems...
My psychologist gave me task to try to observe even the negative situation in the positive way. To find pluses. Well, I guess today plus is that I was able to clean flat since no one prevented me from it and able to finally paint my nails. Obvious pluses, but at the same time I do not feel that much happier.
14:51
2024.04.10
I seems that I read too much about the EBV and CMV that they found in me. Now I can not avoid the thoughts about cancer. As my therapist taught me, I am trying to challenge these thoughts and reassure myself that pain in the middle of my back is possibly just osteochondrosis, not metastatic tumor from lung, throat or brain. And that increased monocyta + lymphocita does not mean that I have lymphoma or something else. It helpes for just a bit, then thoughts return. It feels like waves on the sea shore.
Living like this sucks. Yesterday I talked a bit with my friend Simon, felt a bit better after all even though my issues were not solved. Honestly it felt better that putting it onto my beloved one. He seems to be really exhausted with my issues. Life like this still seem a bit pointless, but I try not to loose hope that it will be better in time and I will resolve the complex puzzle of my body, no matter what amount of time/money/doctors it will take from me.
The day before yesterday I nearly lost all my documents again. Fuh... Life literally run in front of my eyes. I imagines, how sucks would be if I had to go to Russia for the new passports, remake of my work permit (in case if they would let me keep the job), etc. When I got my papers back from the MR room, I was just nearly crying. Was a good Hungarian practice in the stress situation though...
Waiting for MR is intensing me too. Trying not to think about it. Procedure was unpleasant as well, but ofc not painfull. Well, ofc I already studied all ways of treatments of head/neck cancer. Even checked how to freeze my eggs with IVM method. Probably doing it and keeping will cost a lot, because closest clinic with such technology is Austria.
NB: I should think about freezing my eggs anyway, no matter what, since I am already 30 and sick with shit tone of stuff. Being old as well definetely will not help. Probably should discuss with my beloved.
Conclusion?
1. Health anxiety and disadaptive mechanisms of compensation are in progress, even though I am trying to at least ficht the thoughts.
2. I put plan of my examinations and follow it strictly.
3. Stress from ponential loosing of my papers gave me important lesson to be always careful and try to appreciate life here even with my hurting body.
4. Even though I should not catastrophise while waiting for MR results, thought that IMV technology, cyberknife technology exist to save from death and even to have kids after treatment keeps me calmer. I am trying not to ler my panic to burst. I will try to deal with a problem. Plus I applied for promotion. In case I will edit my presentation good, maybe I will get more money.
5. I shoulf keep programming, resolved task causes burst of dophamine that my brain lacks. Just for fun. No obligations that will make it not fun and cause resistance of my psychey.
Living like this sucks. Yesterday I talked a bit with my friend Simon, felt a bit better after all even though my issues were not solved. Honestly it felt better that putting it onto my beloved one. He seems to be really exhausted with my issues. Life like this still seem a bit pointless, but I try not to loose hope that it will be better in time and I will resolve the complex puzzle of my body, no matter what amount of time/money/doctors it will take from me.
The day before yesterday I nearly lost all my documents again. Fuh... Life literally run in front of my eyes. I imagines, how sucks would be if I had to go to Russia for the new passports, remake of my work permit (in case if they would let me keep the job), etc. When I got my papers back from the MR room, I was just nearly crying. Was a good Hungarian practice in the stress situation though...
Waiting for MR is intensing me too. Trying not to think about it. Procedure was unpleasant as well, but ofc not painfull. Well, ofc I already studied all ways of treatments of head/neck cancer. Even checked how to freeze my eggs with IVM method. Probably doing it and keeping will cost a lot, because closest clinic with such technology is Austria.
NB: I should think about freezing my eggs anyway, no matter what, since I am already 30 and sick with shit tone of stuff. Being old as well definetely will not help. Probably should discuss with my beloved.
Conclusion?
1. Health anxiety and disadaptive mechanisms of compensation are in progress, even though I am trying to at least ficht the thoughts.
2. I put plan of my examinations and follow it strictly.
3. Stress from ponential loosing of my papers gave me important lesson to be always careful and try to appreciate life here even with my hurting body.
4. Even though I should not catastrophise while waiting for MR results, thought that IMV technology, cyberknife technology exist to save from death and even to have kids after treatment keeps me calmer. I am trying not to ler my panic to burst. I will try to deal with a problem. Plus I applied for promotion. In case I will edit my presentation good, maybe I will get more money.
5. I shoulf keep programming, resolved task causes burst of dophamine that my brain lacks. Just for fun. No obligations that will make it not fun and cause resistance of my psychey.