Well, it is night nearly. My beloved is having fun with his colleagues and me... What me? Sitting at home as always, cleaned flat as much as it was needed to not make me annoyed by trash, dirty dishes and clothes hanging around. My life now is pretty boring.
Honestly it just is going to doctors, working mostly from home (because I fucked this going to office every day thingy), cleaning etc. I look like shit (59 kg, I think for the whole life it is my maximum, but I am afraid, it can be more if nothing in my life will not change), feel like shit and honestly feel myself not better. I am so much anxious regarding my look that hate going outside. Ofc I go, but only when it is necessary (psychologist, doctors, work sometimes, sometimes friends of my boyfriend).
I am observing how my beloved is living his full life and feel a bit envy and pretty much dead mentally compare to him. Ok, I am objectively not in the total asshole, since my brain seems to function, analysis do not show the prognosis of the rapid death etc (although I am not sure that my intestine is ok), I applied for promotion and maybe will go to Luxembourg for the business trip again (aha, lol. where I will panic about my health even more)... But something is missing. I can not enjoy anything rather than spending time with my beloved. And sex with him obviously. Food is also cool. Sometimes some of my plants when they are not dying. And that is pretty much it. Outside of it I feel like a fucking zombie.
I have these non-adequate thoughts about my beloved. That he promised to help with cleaning foe example, and did nothing, just because his life is so intensive for events. He is constantly chatting and talking to people. Today when I called he seemed cold. It pissed me off and at the same time I have pretty complex emotions regarding all of it. Related to my life and his. I feel like I have no life and he has. And he did not close me here in this flat, I am +- free to go. But then who will make it leavable if I will be missing etc?
Now I need to go for the fucking tooth paste. Why me? Like I am the only person in this house who needs it. I am curious what would he do tomorrow if I would not go...
I am afraid to smash nails on my toes that I painted forty minutes ago, but I guess I do not really have a choice since shop works until eleven. Going to cold again. And I bought ananas. Lol. He will not even return before 12. Same regarding supper that we were supposed to eat together.
Right, fuck the supper. I cooked it for nothing as it seems...
My psychologist gave me task to try to observe even the negative situation in the positive way. To find pluses. Well, I guess today plus is that I was able to clean flat since no one prevented me from it and able to finally paint my nails. Obvious pluses, but at the same time I do not feel that much happier.